User:GhostKat

 SHREK Written by                                William Steig & Ted Elliott                                     SHREK                         Once upon a time there was a lovely  princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to                          free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of                          the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss. (laughs) Like that's ever gonna happen. What a load of - (toilet flush)   '''              Allstar - by Smashmouth begins to play. Shrek goes about his ''' day. While in a nearby town, the villagers get together to go                after the ogre.   '              NIGHT - NEAR SHREK'S HOME                                     MAN1                         Think it's in there?                                     MAN2 '''                        All right. Let's get it!'''                                     MAN1 '''                        Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that ''' thing can do to you?   '                                    MAN3                         Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's  bread.                 Shrek sneaks up behind them and laughs.                                     SHREK                         Yes, well, actually, that would be a  giant. Now, ogres, oh they're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.   '                                    MEN                         No!                                     SHREK '''                        They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the ''' jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's                          quite good on toast.   '                                    MAN1 '''                        Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya! '''                         (waves the torch at Shrek.)   '''              Shrek calmly licks his fingers and extinguishes the torch. The ''' men shrink back away from him. Shrek roars very loudly and long and his breath extinguishes all the remaining torches until the men are in the dark.   '                                    SHREK '''                        This is the part where you run away. '''                         (The men scramble to get away. He laughs.) And stay out! (looks down and picks                          up a piece of paper. Reads.) "Wanted.                           Fairy tale creatures."(He sighs and                           throws the paper over his shoulder.)   '                         '               THE NEXT DAY There is a line of fairy tale creatures. The head of the guard sits at a table paying people for bringing the fairy tale creatures to him. There are cages all around. Some of the people in line are Peter Pan, who is carrying Tinkerbell in a cage, Gipetto who's carrying Pinocchio, and a farmer who is carrying the three little pigs.   '                                    GUARD '''                        All right. This one's full. Take it ''' away! Move it along. Come on! Get up!   '                         '                                     HEAD GUARD                         Next!                                     GUARD '''                        (taking the witch's broom) Give me that! '''                         Your flying days are over. (breaks the                          broom in half)   '                                    HEAD GUARD '''                        That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. '''                         Next!   '                                    GUARD '''                        Get up! Come on!'''                                     HEAD GUARD                         Twenty pieces.                                     LITTLE BEAR                         (crying) This cage is too small.                                     DONKEY '''                        Please, don't turn me in. I'll never ''' be stubborn again. I can change. Please! Give me another chance!   '                                    OLD WOMAN '''                        Oh, shut up. (jerks his rope)'''                                     DONKEY                         Oh!                                     HEAD GUARD '''                        Next! What have you got?'''                                     GIPETTO                         This little wooden puppet.                                     PINOCCHIO '''                        I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy. (his '''                         nose grows)   '                                    HEAD GUARD '''                        Five shillings for the possessed toy. '''                         Take it away.   '                                    PINOCCHIO '''                        Father, please! Don't let them do this! '''                         Help me!   '''              Gipetto takes the money and walks off. The old woman steps up ''' to the table.   '                                    HEAD GUARD '''                        Next! What have you got?'''                                     OLD WOMAN                         Well, I've got a talking donkey.                                     HEAD GUARD '''                        Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, ''' if you can prove it.   '                                    OLD WOMAN                         Oh, go ahead, little fella. Donkey just looks up at her.                                     HEAD GUARD                         Well?                                     OLD WOMAN                         Oh, oh, he's just...he's just a little  nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt...   '                                    HEAD GUARD '''                        That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!'''   '                         '                                     OLD WOMAN '''                        No, no, he talks! He does. (pretends '''                         to be Donkey) I can talk. I love to                          talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.   '                                    HEAD GUARD                         Get her out of my sight.                                     OLD WOMAN '''                        No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!''' The guards grab the old woman and she struggles with them. One of her legs flies out and kicks Tinkerbell out of Peter Pan's                hands, and her cage drops on Donkey's head. He gets sprinkled with fairy dust and he's able to fly.   '                                    DONKEY '''                        Hey! I can fly!'''                                     PETER PAN                         He can fly!                                     3 LITTLE PIGS                         He can fly!                                     HEAD GUARD                         He can talk!                                     DONKEY '''                        Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm ''' a flying, talking donkey. You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha! (the pixie dust begins                          to wear off) Uh-oh. (he begins to sink                          to the ground.)                 He hits the ground with a thud.                                     HEAD GUARD '''                        Seize him! (Donkey takes of running.) ''' After him!   '                                    GUARDS '''                        He's getting away! Get him! This way! '''                         Turn!   '''              Donkey keeps running and he eventually runs into Shrek. Literally. '''               Shrek turns around to see who bumped into him. Donkey looks scared for a moment then he spots the guards coming up the path. He                quickly hides behind Shrek.   '                                    HEAD GUARD '''                        You there. Ogre!'''                                     SHREK                         Aye?                                     HEAD GUARD                         By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized  to place you both under arrest and transport you to a designated resettlement facility.   '                         '                                     SHREK '''                        Oh, really? You and what army?''' He looks behind the guard and the guard turns to look as well and we see that the other men have run off. The guard tucks tail and runs off. Shrek laughs and goes back about his business and begins walking back to his cottage.   '                                    DONKEY '''                        Can I say something to you? Listen, ''' you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible!   '                                    SHREK                         Are you talkin' to...(he turns around                           and Donkey is gone) me? (he turns back                          around and Donkey is right in front                           of him.) Whoa!   '                                    DONKEY '''                        Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell ''' you that you that you was great back here? Those guards! They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.   '                                    SHREK '''                        Oh, that's great. Really.'''                                     DONKEY                         Man, it's good to be free.                                     SHREK                         Now, why don't you go celebrate your  freedom with your own friends? Hmm?   '                         '                                     DONKEY '''                        But, uh, I don't have any friends. And ''' I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll                          stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us.                 Shrek turns and regards Donkey for a moment before roaring very  loudly.   '                                    DONKEY '''                        Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you ''' don't mind me sayin', if that don't                          work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks! You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time...(Shrek covers his mouth but Donkey                          continues to talk, so Shrek removes                           his hand.) ...then I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases leaking out of my butt that day.   '                                    SHREK                         Why are you following me?                                     DONKEY '''                        I'll tell you why. (singing) 'Cause ''' I'm all alone, There's no one here beside me, My problems have all gone, There's                          no one to deride me, But you gotta have faith...   '                                    SHREK '''                        Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't ''' have any friends.   '                                    DONKEY '''                        Wow. Only a true friend would be that ''' cruelly honest.   '                                    SHREK '''                        Listen, little donkey. Take a look at ''' me. What am I?   '                                    DONKEY                         (looks all the way up at Shrek) Uh ...really  tall?   '                                    SHREK '''                        No! I'm an ogre! You know. "Grab your '''                         torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you?   '                                    DONKEY                         Nope.                                     SHREK                         Really?                                     DONKEY                         Really, really.                                     SHREK                         Oh.                                     DONKEY '''                        Man, I like you. What's you name?'''                                     SHREK                         Uh, Shrek.                                     DONKEY '''                        Shrek? Well, you know what I like about ''' you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing. I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. (They come over                          a hill and you can see Shrek's cottage.) Whoa! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that?   '                                    SHREK                         That would be my home.                                     DONKEY '''                        Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. '''                         You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. I guess you don't entertain much, do you?   '                                    SHREK                         I like my privacy.                                     DONKEY '''                        You know, I do too. That's another thing ''' we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've                          trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence. (awkward silence) Can I stay with you?   '                         '                                     SHREK                         Uh, what?                                     DONKEY                         Can I stay with you, please?                                     SHREK                         (sarcastically) Of course!                                     DONKEY                         Really?                                     SHREK                         No.                                     DONKEY '''                        Please! I don't wanna go back there! '''                         You don't know what it's like to be                           considered a freak. (pause while he                          looks at Shrek) Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!   '                         '                                     SHREK '''                        Okay! Okay! But one night only.'''                                     DONKEY '''                        Ah! Thank you! (he runs inside the cottage)'''   '                         '                                     SHREK '''                        What are you...? (Donkey hops up onto                          a chair.) No! No!  ''' '                                    DONKEY '''                        This is gonna be fun! We can stay up ''' late, swappin' manly stories, and in                          the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.   '                                    SHREK                         Oh!                                     DONKEY                         Where do, uh, I sleep?                                     SHREK                         (irritated) Outside!                                     DONKEY '''                        Oh, well, I guess that's cool. I mean, ''' I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know. Here I go. Good night. (Shrek                          slams the door.) (sigh) I mean, I do                           like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by                          myself outside, I guess, you know. By                          myself, outside. I'm all alone...there's                          no one here beside me...   '              SHREK'S COTTAGE - NIGHT Shrek is getting ready for dinner. He sits himself down and lights a candle made out of earwax. He begins to eat when he hears a                noise. He stands up with a huff.   '                                    SHREK                         (to Donkey) I thought I told you to  stay outside.   '                                    DONKEY                         (from the window) I am outside. There is another noise and Shrek turns to find the person that made the noise. He sees several shadows moving. He finally turns and spots 3 blind mice on his table.   '                                    BLIND MOUSE1                         Well, gents, it's a far cry from the  farm, but what choice do we have?   '                         '                                     BLIND MOUSE2                         It's not home, but it'll do just fine.   '                         '                                     GORDO                         (bouncing on a slug) What a lovely bed.   '                         '                                     SHREK '''                        Got ya. (Grabs a mouse, but it escapes '''                         and lands on his shoulder.)   '                                    GORDO '''                        I found some cheese. (bites Shrek's '''                         ear)   '                                    SHREK                         Ow!                                     GORDO '''                        Blah! Awful stuff.'''                                     BLIND MOUSE1                         Is that you, Gordo?                                     GORDO                         How did you know?                                     SHREK '''                        Enough! (he grabs the 3 mice) What are ''' you doing in my house? (He gets bumped                          from behind and he drops the mice.) Hey! (he turns and sees the Seven Dwarves                          with Snow White on the table.) Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.   '                         '                                     DWARF '''                        Where are we supposed to put her? The ''' bed's taken.   '                                    SHREK                         Huh? Shrek marches over to the bedroom and throws back the curtain. The Big Bad Wolf is sitting in the bed. The wolf just looks at                him.   '                                    BIG BAD WOLF                         What?               TIME LAPSE Shrek now has the Big Bad Wolf by the collar and is dragging him to the front door.   '                                    SHREK '''                        I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm ''' a terrifying ogre! What do I have to                          do get a little privacy? (He opens the                          front door to throw the Wolf out and                           he sees that all the collected Fairy                           Tale Creatures are on his land.) Oh, no. No! No!                 The 3 bears sit around the fire, the pied piper is playing his  pipe and the rats are all running to him, some elves are directing flight traffic so that the fairies and witches can land...etc.   '               '                                     SHREK '''                        What are you doing in my swamp? (this '''                         echoes and everyone falls silent.)   '                         '''               Gasps are heard all around. The 3 good fairies hide inside a ''' tent.   '                                    SHREK '''                        All right, get out of here. All of you, ''' move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey! Quickly. Come on! (more                          dwarves run inside the house) No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there. (they                          shut the door on him) Oh! (turns to                          look at Donkey)   '                                    DONKEY '''                        Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite ''' them.   '                                    PINOCCHIO                         Oh, gosh, no one invited us.                                     SHREK                         What?                                     PINOCCHIO                         We were forced to come here.                                     SHREK                         (flabbergasted) By who?                                     LITTLE PIG '''                        Lord Farquaad. He huffed and he puffed ''' and he...signed an eviction notice.   '                         '                                     SHREK '''                        (heavy sigh) All right. Who knows where ''' this Farquaad guy is?                 Everyone looks around at each other but no one answers.                                     DONKEY '''                        Oh, I do. I know where he is.'''                                     SHREK                         Does anyone else know where to find  him? Anyone at all?   '                                    DONKEY '''                        Me! Me!'''                                     SHREK                         Anyone?                                     DONKEY '''                        Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! '''                         Me, me!   '                                    SHREK '''                        (sigh) Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy ''' tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from! (Pause.                          Then the crowd goes wild.) Oh! (to Donkey) You! You're comin' with me.   '                                    DONKEY                         All right, that's what I like to hear,  man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!   '                                    DONKEY '''                        (singing) On the road again. Sing it ''' with me, Shrek. I can't wait to get on the road again.   '                                    SHREK                         What did I say about singing?                                     DONKEY                         Can I whistle?                                     SHREK                         No.                                     DONKEY                         Can I hum it?                                     SHREK                         All right, hum it. Donkey begins to hum 'On the Road Again'.               DULOC - KITCHEN A masked man is torturing the Gingerbread Man. He's continually dunking him in a glass of milk. Lord Farquaad walks in.   '                                    FARQUAAD '''                        That's enough. He's ready to talk.'''   '                                        The Gingerbread Man is pulled out of the milk and slammed down  onto a cookie sheet. Farquaad laughs as he walks over to the table. However when he reaches the table we see that it goes up to his eyes. He clears his throat and the table is lowered.   '               '                                     FARQUAAD                         (he picks up the Gingerbread Man's legs                           and plays with them) Run, run, run, as fast as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man.   '                                    GINGERBREAD MAN                         You are a monster.                                     FARQUAAD '''                        I'm not the monster here. You are. You ''' and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others?   '                                    GINGERBREAD MAN '''                        Eat me! (He spits milk into Farquaad's '''                         eye.)   '                                    FARQUAAD '''                        I've tried to be fair to you creatures. '''                         Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll...(he makes as if to                          pull off the Gingerbread Man's buttons)   '                         '                                     GINGERBREAD MAN '''                        No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop ''' buttons.   '                                    FARQUAAD '''                        All right then. Who's hiding them?'''   '                         '                                     GINGERBREAD MAN '''                        Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the ''' muffin man?   '                                    FARQUAAD                         The muffin man?                                     GINGERBREAD MAN                         The muffin man.                                     FARQUAAD                         Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives  on Drury Lane?   '                                    GINGERBREAD MAN                         Well, she's married to the muffin man.   '                         '                                     FARQUAAD                         The muffin man?                                     GINGERBREAD MAN                         The muffin man!                                     FARQUAAD                         She's married to the muffin man. The door opens and the Head Guard walks in.                                     HEAD GUARD '''                        My lord! We found it.'''                                     FARQUAAD '''                        Then what are you waiting for? Bring ''' it in.   '''              More guards enter carrying something that is covered by a sheet. '''               They hang up whatever it is and remove the sheet. It is the Magic Mirror.   '                                    GINGERBREAD MAN                         (in awe) Ohhhh...                                     FARQUAAD                         Magic mirror...                                     GINGERBREAD MAN '''                        Don't tell him anything! (Farquaad picks                          him up and dumps him into a trash can                           with a lid.) No!  ''' '                                    FARQUAAD '''                        Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. '''                         Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?   '                                    MIRROR                         Well, technically you're not a king.   '                         '                                     FARQUAAD '''                        Uh, Thelonius. (Thelonius holds up a '''                         hand mirror and smashes it with his                           fist.) You were saying?   '                                    MIRROR '''                        What I mean is you're not a king yet. '''                         But you can become one. All you have to do is marry a princess.   '                                    FARQUAAD                         Go on.                                     MIRROR                         (chuckles nervously) So, just sit back  and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella. (shows picture of Cinderella) Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White! (shows                          picture of Snow White) And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's                          a loaded pistol who likes pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! (Shows                          picture of Princess Fiona) So will it                           be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three?   '                         '                                     GUARDS '''                        Two! Two! Three! Three! Two! Two! Three!'''   '                         '                                     FARQUAAD '''                        Three? One? Three?'''                                     THELONIUS '''                        Three! (holds up 2 fingers) Pick number ''' three, my lord!   '                                    FARQUAAD                         Okay, okay, uh, number three!                                     MIRROR                         Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess  Fiona.   '                                    FARQUAAD '''                        Princess Fiona. She's perfect. All I ''' have to do is just find someone who can go...   '                                    MIRROR                         But I probably should mention the little  thing that happens at night.   '                                    FARQUAAD                         I'll do it.                                     MIRROR                         Yes, but after sunset...                                     FARQUAAD '''                        Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona ''' my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king! Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament. (smiles evilly)                 DuLoc Parking Lot - Lancelot Section Shrek and Donkey come out of the field that is right by the parking lot. The castle itself is about 40 stories high.   '                                    DONKEY '''                        But that's it. That's it right there. '''                         That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it.   '                         '                                     SHREK                         So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.   '                         '                                     DONKEY '''                        Uh-huh. That's the place.'''                                     SHREK                         Do you think maybe he's compensating  for something? (He laughs, but then                          groans as Donkey doesn't get the joke.                           He continues walking through the parking                           lot.)   '                                    DONKEY '''                        Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.'''                                     MAN '''                        Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.'''   '                         '                                     SHREK '''                        Hey, you! (The attendant, who is wearing '''                         a giant head that looks like Lord Farquaad,                           screams and begins running through the                           rows of rope to get to the front gate                           to get away from Shrek.) Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - - (He sighs and then begins                          walking straight through the rows. The                           attendant runs into a wall and falls                           down. Shrek and Donkey look at him then                           continue on into DuLoc.)   '              DULOC They look around but all is quiet.                                     SHREK '''                        It's quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody?'''   '                         '                                     DONKEY                         Hey, look at this! Donkey runs over and pulls a lever that is attached to a box marked 'Information'. The music winds up and then the box doors open up. There are little wooden people inside and they begin to sing.   '                                    WOODEN PEOPLE                         Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town   '                                        Here we have some rules Let us lay them down Don't make waves, stay in line And we'll get along fine DuLoc is perfect place Please keep off of the grass Shine your shoes, wipe your... face DuLoc is, DuLoc is               DuLoc is perfect place. Suddenly a camera takes Donkey and Shrek's picture.                                     DONKEY '''                        Wow! Let's do that again! (makes ready '''                         to run over and pull the lever again)   '                         '                                     SHREK                         (grabs Donkey's tail and holds him still)  No. No. No, no, no! No.                 They hear a trumpet fanfare and head over to the arena.                                     FARQUAAD '''                        Brave knights. You are the best and ''' brightest in all the land. Today one of you shall prove himself...                 As Shrek and Donkey walk down the tunnel to get into the arena  Donkey is humming the DuLoc theme song.   '                                    SHREK '''                        All right. You're going the right way ''' for a smacked bottom.   '                                    DONKEY                         Sorry about that.                                     FARQUAAD                         That champion shall have the honor -  - no, no - - the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If                          for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you may die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make. (cheers) Let the tournament begin! (He notices Shrek) Oh! What is                          that? It's hideous!   '                                    SHREK                         (turns to look at Donkey and then back                           at Farquaad) Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.   '                                    FARQUAAD '''                        Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who ''' kills the ogre will be named champion! Have it him!   '                                    MEN                         Get him!                                     SHREK '''                        Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now. (bumps '''                         into a table where there are mugs of                           beer)   '                                    CROWD '''                        Go ahead! Get him!'''                                     SHREK                         (holds up a mug of beer) Can't we just  settle this over a pint?   '                                    CROWD                         Kill the beast!                                     SHREK '''                        No? All right then. (drinks the beer) ''' Come on!                 He takes the mug and smashes the spigot off the large barrel  of beer behind him. The beer comes rushing out drenching the other men and wetting the ground. It's like mud now. Shrek slides past the men and picks up a spear that one of the men dropped. As Shrek begins to fight Donkey hops up onto one of the larger beer barrels. It breaks free of it's ropes and begins to roll. Donkey manages to squish two men into the mud. There is so much fighting going on here I'm not going to go into detail. Suffice to say that Shrek kicks butt.   '                                    DONKEY '''                        Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!''' Shrek comes over and bangs a man's head up against Donkeys. Shrek gets up on the ropes and interacts with the crowd.   '                                    SHREK                         Yeah! A man tries to sneak up behind Shrek, but Shrek turns in time and sees him.   '                                    WOMAN '''                        The chair! Give him the chair!''' Shrek smashes a chair over the guys back. Finally all the men are down. Donkey kicks one of them in the helmet, and the ding sounds the end of the match. The audience goes wild.   '                                    SHREK '''                        Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you ''' very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha! (laughs)                 The laughter stops as all of the guards turn their weapons on  Shrek.   '                                    HEAD GUARD                         Shall I give the order, sir?                                     FARQUAAD '''                        No, I have a better idea. People of ''' DuLoc, I give you our champion!   '                                    SHREK                         What?                                     FARQUAAD '''                        Congratulations, ogre. You're won the ''' honor of embarking on a great and noble quest.   '                                    SHREK '''                        Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest ''' to get my swamp back.   '                                    FARQUAAD                         Your swamp?                                     SHREK '''                        Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those ''' fairy tale creatures!   '                                    FARQUAAD '''                        Indeed. All right, ogre. I'll make you ''' a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back.   '                                    SHREK                         Exactly the way it was?                                     FARQUAAD                         Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.   '                         '                                     SHREK                         And the squatters?                                     FARQUAAD                         As good as gone.                                     SHREK                         What kind of quest? Time Lapse - Donkey and Shrek are now walking through the field heading away from DuLoc. Shrek is munching on an onion.   '                                    DONKEY '''                        Let me get this straight. You're gonna ''' go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place. Is that about right?   '                                    SHREK                         You know, maybe there's a good reason  donkeys shouldn't talk.   '                                    DONKEY '''                        I don't get it. Why don't you just pull ''' some of that ogre stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole ogre trip.   '                                    SHREK '''                        Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have ''' decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?   '                         '                                     DONKEY                         Uh, no, not really, no.                                     SHREK                         For your information, there's a lot  more to ogres than people think.   '                                    DONKEY                         Example?                                     SHREK '''                        Example? Okay, um, ogres are like onions. '''                         (he holds out his onion)   '                                    DONKEY                         (sniffs the onion) They stink?                                     SHREK                         Yes - - No!                                     DONKEY                         They make you cry?                                     SHREK                         No!                                     DONKEY                         You leave them in the sun, they get  all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs.   '                                    SHREK '''                        No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres ''' have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. (he heaves                          a sigh and then walks off)   '                                    DONKEY                         (trailing after Shrek) Oh, you both  have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.   '                                    SHREK '''                        I don't care... what everyone likes. '''                         Ogres are not like cakes.   '                                    DONKEY '''                        You know what else everybody likes? '''                         Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "Hell no, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.   '                                    SHREK                         No! You dense, irritating, miniature  beast of burden! Ogres are like onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.   '                         '                                     DONKEY                         Parfaits may be the most delicious thing  on the whole damn planet.   '                                    SHREK                         You know, I think I preferred your humming.   '                         '                                     DONKEY '''                        Do you have a tissue or something? I'm ''' making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering.   '''              They head off. There is a montage of their journey. Walking through ''' a field at sunset. Sleeping beneath a bright moon. Shrek trying to put the campfire out the next day and having a bit of a problem, so Donkey pees on the fire to put it out.   '              DRAGON'S KEEP Shrek and Donkey are walking up to the keep that's supposed to                house Princess Fiona. It appears to look like a giant volcano.   '               '                                     DONKEY '''                        (sniffs) Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that? '''                         You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open and everything.   '                                    SHREK                         Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd  be dead. (sniffs) It's brimstone. We                          must be getting close.   '                                    DONKEY '''                        Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking ''' about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It                          didn't come off no stone neither.   '                         '''               They climb up the side of the volcano/keep and look down. There ''' is a small piece of rock right in the center and that is where the castle is. It is surrounded by boiling lava. It looks very foreboding.   '                                    SHREK                         Sure, it's big enough, but look at the  location. (laughs...then the laugh turns                          into a groan)   '                                    DONKEY '''                        Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said ''' ogres have layers?   '                                    SHREK                         Oh, aye.                                     DONKEY                         Well, I have a bit of a confession to  make. Donkeys don't have layers. We                          wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.   '                                    SHREK '''                        Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves.'''   '                         '                                     DONKEY                         You know what I mean.                                     SHREK                         You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.   '                         '                                     DONKEY                         No, I'm just a little uncomfortable  about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava!   '                                    SHREK '''                        Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ''' ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll                          just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time.   '                                    DONKEY                         Really?                                     SHREK                         Really, really.                                     DONKEY                         Okay, that makes me feel so much better.   '                         '                                     SHREK '''                        Just keep moving. And don't look down.'''   '                         '                                     DONKEY '''                        Okay, don't look down. Don't look down. '''                         Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't                          look down. (he steps through a rotting                          board and ends up looking straight down                           into the lava) Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me                          off, please!   '                                    SHREK                         But you're already halfway.                                     DONKEY                         But I know that half is safe!                                     SHREK '''                        Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. '''                         You go back.   '                                    DONKEY                         Shrek, no! Wait!                                     SHREK                         Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance  then, shall me? (bounces and sways the                          bridge)   '                                    DONKEY                         Don't do that!                                     SHREK '''                        Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? Oh, this? (bounces '''                         the bridge again)   '                                    DONKEY                         Yes, that!                                     SHREK '''                        Yes? Yes, do it. Okay. (continues to '''                         bounce and sway as he backs Donkey across                           the bridge)   '                                    DONKEY '''                        No, Shrek! No! Stop it!'''                                     SHREK '''                        You said do it! I'm doin' it.'''                                     DONKEY '''                        I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, ''' I'm gonna die. (steps onto solid ground) Oh!   '                                    SHREK '''                        That'll do, Donkey. That'll do. (walks '''                         towards the castle)   '                                    DONKEY '''                        Cool. So where is this fire-breathing ''' pain-in-the-neck anyway?   '                                    SHREK '''                        Inside, waiting for us to rescue her. '''                         (chuckles)   '                                    DONKEY                         I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.   '                         '               INSIDE THE CASTLE                                     DONKEY                         You afraid?                                     SHREK                         No.                                     DONKEY                         But...                                     SHREK                         Shh.                                     DONKEY '''                        Oh, good. Me neither. (sees a skeleton '''                         and gasps) 'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as                          heck ain't no coward. I know that.   '                         '                                     SHREK '''                        Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. '''                         Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs.   '                                    DONKEY '''                        Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for ''' the princess.   '                                    SHREK                         (putting on a helmet) The princess will  be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower.   '                                    DONKEY                         What makes you think she'll be there?   '                         '                                     SHREK '''                        I read it in a book once. (walks off)'''   '                         '                                     DONKEY '''                        Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle ''' the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'. (walks off)   '              EMPTY ROOM Donkey is still talking to himself as he looks around the room.   '               '                                     DONKEY '''                        I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it ''' to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm                          the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it.   '              ELSEWHERE Shrek spots a light in the tallest tower window.                                     SHREK                         Well, at least we know where the princess  is, but where's the...   '                                    DONKEY                         (os) Dragon! Donkey gasps and takes off running as the dragon roars again. Shrek manages to grab Donkey out of the way just as the dragon breathes fire.   '                                    SHREK '''                        Donkey, look out! (he manages to get '''                         a hold of the dragons tail and holds                           on) Got ya!                 The dragon gets irritated at this and flicks it's tail and Shrek  goes flying through the air and crashes through the roof of the tallest tower. Fiona wakes up with a jerk and looks at him lying on the floor.   '                                    DONKEY '''                        Oh! Aah! Aah!''' Donkey get cornered as the Dragon knocks away all but a small part of the bridge he's on.   '                                    DONKEY                         No. Oh, no, No! (the dragon roars) Oh,  what large teeth you have. (the dragon                          growls) I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're                          - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. (the dragon begins fluttering her eyes                          at him) What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh...(the dragon                          blows a smoke ring in the shape of a                           heart right at him, and he coughs) I'm                           an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd                           work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek! (the dragon picks him                          up with her teeth and carries him off) No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!   '              FIONA'S ROOM Shrek groans as he gets up off the floor. His back is to Fiona so she straightens her dress and lays back down on the bed. She then quickly reaches over and gets the bouquet of flowers off the side table. She then lays back down and appears to be asleep. Shrek turns and goes over to her. He looks down at Fiona for a moment and she puckers her lips. Shrek takes her by the shoulders and shakes her away.   '                                    FIONA '''                        Oh! Oh!'''                                     SHREK                         Wake up!                                     FIONA                         What?                                     SHREK                         Are you Princess Fiona?                                     FIONA                         I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to  rescue me.   '                                    SHREK '''                        Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!'''                                     FIONA '''                        But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our ''' first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment?   '                                    SHREK '''                        Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.'''   '                         '                                     FIONA '''                        Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should ''' sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.   '                         '                                     SHREK                         You've had a lot of time to plan this,  haven't you?   '                                    FIONA                         (smiles) Mm-hmm. Shrek breaks the lock on her door and pulls her out and down the hallway.   '                                    FIONA '''                        But we have to savor this moment! You ''' could recite an epic poem for me. A                          ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!   '                         '                                     SHREK                         I don't think so.                                     FIONA                         Can I at least know the name of my champion?   '                         '                                     SHREK                         Uh, Shrek.                                     FIONA '''                        Sir Shrek. (clears throat and holds '''                         out a handkerchief) I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.   '                         '                                     SHREK                         Thanks! Suddenly they hear the dragon roar.                                     FIONA                         (surprised)You didn't slay the dragon?   '                         '                                     SHREK '''                        It's on my to-do list. Now come on! '''                         (takes off running and drags Fiona behind                           him.)   '                                    FIONA '''                        But this isn't right! You were meant ''' to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did.   '                         '                                     SHREK                         Yeah, right before they burst into flame.   '                         '                                     FIONA '''                        That's not the point. (Shrek suddenly '''                         stops and she runs into him.) Oh! (Shrek                          ignores her and heads for a wooden door                           off to the side.) Wait. Where are you going? The exit's over there.   '                                    SHREK                         Well, I have to save my ass.                                     FIONA                         What kind of knight are you?                                     SHREK '''                        One of a kind. (opens the door into '''                         the throne room)   '                                    DONKEY '''                        (os) Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. '''                         I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long period of time. Just call me old-fashioned. (laughs                          worriedly) (we see him up close and                           from a distance as Shrek sneaks into                           the room) I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - - Magnitude really is the word I'm                          looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards - - I'd really love to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's                          my tail! That's my personal tail. You're                          gonna tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!                 Shrek grabs a chain that's connected to the chandelier and swings  toward the dragon. He misses and he swings back again. He looks up and spots that the chandelier is right above the dragons head. He pulls on the chain and it releases and he falls down and bumps Donkey out of the way right as the dragon is about to kiss him. Instead the dragon kisses Shreks' butt. She opens her eyes and roars. Shrek lets go of the chain and the chandelier falls onto her head, but it's too big and it goes over her head and forms a sort of collar for her. She roars again and Shrek and Donkey take off running. Very 'Matrix' style. Shrek grabs Donkey and then grabs Princess Fiona as he runs past her.   '                                    DONKEY                         Hi, Princess!                                     FIONA                         It talks!                                     SHREK                         Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's  the trick.   '''              They all start screaming as the dragon gains on them. Shrek spots ''' a descending slide and jumps on. But unfortunately there is a                crack in the stone and it hits Shrek right in the groin. His eyes cross and as he reaches the bottom of the slide he stumbles off and walks lightly.   '                                    SHREK                         Oh! Shrek gets them close to the exit and sets down Donkey and Fiona.   '               '                                     SHREK '''                        Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll ''' take care of the dragon.                 Shrek grabs a sword and heads back toward the interior of the  castle. He throws the sword down in between several overlapping chain links. The chain links are attached to the chandelier that is still around the dragons neck.   '                                    SHREK                         (echoing) Run! They all take off running for the exit with the dragon in hot pursuit. They make it to the bridge and head across. The dragons breathes fire and the bridge begins to burn. They all hang on                for dear life as the ropes holding the bridge up collapse. They are swung to the other side. As they hang upside down they look in horror as the dragon makes to fly over the boiling lava to                get them. But suddenly the chandelier with the chain jerk the dragon back and she's unable to get to them. Our gang climbs quickly to safety as the dragon looks angry and then gives a                sad whimper as she watches Donkey walk away.   '                                    FIONA                         (sliding down the 'volcano' hill) You  did it! You rescued me! You're amazing. (behind her Donkey falls down the hill) You're - - You're wonderful. You're...                          (turns and sees Shrek fall down the                           hill and bump into Donkey) a little unorthodox I'll admit. But thy deed is great, and thy heart is pure. I am                          eternally in your debt. (Donkey clears                          his throat.) And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?   '                         '                                     DONKEY '''                        I hope you heard that. She called me ''' a noble steed. She think I'm a steed.   '                         '                                     FIONA '''                        The battle is won. You may remove your ''' helmet, good Sir Knight.   '                                    SHREK                         Uh, no.                                     FIONA                         Why not?                                     SHREK                         I have helmet hair.                                     FIONA '''                        Please. I would'st look upon the face ''' of my rescuer.   '                                    SHREK                         No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.                                     FIONA                         But how will you kiss me?                                     SHREK '''                        What? (to Donkey) That wasn't in the ''' job description.   '                                    DONKEY                         Maybe it's a perk.                                     FIONA '''                        No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know ''' how it goes. A princess locked in a                          tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss.   '                                    DONKEY '''                        Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. '''                         Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love?   '                                    FIONA                         Well, yes. Both Donkey and Shrek burst out laughing.                                     DONKEY                         You think Shrek is your true love!   '                         '                                     FIONA                         What is so funny?                                     SHREK                         Let's just say I'm not your type, okay?Fiona:  Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your helmet.   '                                    SHREK '''                        Look. I really don't think this is a ''' good idea.   '                                    FIONA                         Just take off the helmet.                                     SHREK                         I'm not going to.                                     FIONA                         Take it off.                                     SHREK                         No!                                     FIONA                         Now!                                     SHREK '''                        Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness. '''                         (takes off his helmet)   '                                    FIONA                         You- - You're a- - an ogre.                                     SHREK                         Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.   '                         '                                     FIONA '''                        Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is ''' all wrong. You're not supposed to be                          an ogre.   '                                    SHREK                         Princess, I was sent to rescue you by  Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you.   '                                    FIONA                         Then why didn't he come rescue me?   '                         '                                     SHREK '''                        Good question. You should ask him that ''' when we get there.   '                                    FIONA                         But I have to be rescued by my true  love, not by some ogre and his- - his pet.   '                                    DONKEY                         Well, so much for noble steed.                                     SHREK                         You're not making my job any easier.   '                         '                                     FIONA '''                        I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. '''                         You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he                           wants to rescue me properly, I'll be                           waiting for him right here.   '                                    SHREK '''                        Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all ''' right? (ominous) I'm a delivery boy. (he swiftly picks her up and swings                          her over his shoulder like she was a                           sack of potatoes)   '                                    FIONA '''                        You wouldn't dare. Put me down!'''                                     SHREK                         Ya comin', Donkey?                                     DONKEY                         I'm right behind ya.                                     FIONA                         Put me down, or you will suffer the  consequences! This is not dignified! Put me down!   '              WOODS A little time has passed and Fiona has calmed down. She just hangs there limply while Shrek carries her.   '                                    DONKEY '''                        Okay, so here's another question. Say ''' there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so                          her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't                           get burned to a crisp and eaten?   '                                    FIONA                         You just tell her she's not your true  love. Everyone knows what happens when you find your...(Shrek drops her on                          the ground) Hey! The sooner we get to                          DuLoc the better.   '                                    DONKEY '''                        You're gonna love it there, Princess. '''                         It's beautiful!   '                                    FIONA '''                        And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? '''                         What's he like?   '                                    SHREK '''                        Let me put it this way, Princess. Men ''' of Farquaad's stature are in short supply. (he and Donkey laugh)                 Shrek then proceeds to splash water onto his face to wash off  the dust and grime.   '                                    DONKEY '''                        I don't know. There are those who think ''' little of him. (they laugh again) Fiona: Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're                          just jealous you can never measure up                           to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.   '                         '                                     SHREK '''                        Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. '''                         But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow.   '                                    FIONA '''                        (looks at the setting sun) Tomorrow? '''                         It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?   '                                    SHREK '''                        No, that'll take longer. We can keep ''' going.   '                                    FIONA                         But there's robbers in the woods.                                     DONKEY '''                        Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camp is starting ''' to sound good.   '                                    SHREK '''                        Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything ''' we're going to see in this forest.   '                         '                                     FIONA                         I need to find somewhere to camp now!   '                                        Both Donkey and Shrek's ears lower as they shrink away from her.   '               '               MOUNTAIN CLIFF Shrek has found a cave that appears to be in good order. He shoves a stone boulder out of the way to reveal the cave.   '                                    SHREK '''                        Hey! Over here.'''                                     DONKEY '''                        Shrek, we can do better than that. I ''' don't think this is fit for a princess.   '                         '                                     FIONA '''                        No, no, it's perfect. It just needs ''' a few homey touches.   '                                    SHREK '''                        Homey touches? Like what? (he hears '''                         a tearing noise and looks over at Fiona                           who has torn the bark off of a tree.)   '                         '                                     FIONA '''                        A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee ''' good night. (goes into the cave and                          puts the bark door up behind her)   '                         '                                     DONKEY '''                        You want me to read you a bedtime story? '''                         I will.   '                                    FIONA                         (os) I said good night! Shrek looks at Donkey for a second and then goes to move the boulder back in front of the entrance to the cave with Fiona still inside.   '                                    DONKEY                         Shrek, What are you doing?                                     SHREK                         (laughs) I just- - You know - - Oh,  come on. I was just kidding.   '              LATER THAT NIGHT Shrek and Donkey are sitting around a campfire. They are staring up into the sky as Shrek points out certain star constellations to Donkey.   '                                    SHREK                         And, uh, that one, that's Throwback,  the only ogre to ever spit over three wheat fields.   '                                    DONKEY '''                        Right. Yeah. Hey, can you tell my future ''' from these stars?   '                                    SHREK '''                        The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. '''                         They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's                          famous for.   '                                    DONKEY                         I know you're making this up.                                     SHREK '''                        No, look. There he is, and there's the ''' group of hunters running away from his stench.   '                                    DONKEY                         That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little  dots.   '                                    SHREK                         You know, Donkey, sometimes things are  more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it.   '                         '                                     DONKEY                         (heaves a big sigh) Hey, Shrek, what  we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?   '                         '                                     SHREK                         Our swamp?                                     DONKEY                         You know, when we're through rescuing  the princess.   '                                    SHREK '''                        We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's ''' no "our". There's just me and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall around my land.   '                                    DONKEY '''                        You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real ''' deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out.   '                                    SHREK                         No, do ya think?                                     DONKEY                         Are you hidin' something?                                     SHREK                         Never mind, Donkey.                                     DONKEY                         Oh, this is another one of those onion  things, isn't it?   '                                    SHREK                         No, this is one of those drop-it and  leave-it alone things.   '                                    DONKEY                         Why don't you want to talk about it?   '                         '                                     SHREK                         Why do you want to talk about it?                                     DONKEY                         Why are you blocking?                                     SHREK                         I'm not blocking.                                     DONKEY                         Oh, yes, you are.                                     SHREK                         Donkey, I'm warning you.                                     DONKEY                         Who you trying to keep out?                                     SHREK '''                        Everyone! Okay?'''                                     DONKEY '''                        (pause) Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere. '''                         (grins)                 At this point Fiona pulls the 'door' away from the entrance to  the cave and peaks out. Neither of the guys see her.   '                                    SHREK '''                        Oh! For the love of Pete! (gets up and '''                         walks over to the edge of the cliff                           and sits down)   '                                    DONKEY '''                        What's your problem? What you got against ''' the whole world anyway?   '                                    SHREK                         Look, I'm not the one with the problem,  okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big,                          stupid, ugly ogre!" They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.   '                                    DONKEY '''                        You know what? When we met, I didn't ''' think you was just a big, stupid, ugly ogre.   '                                    SHREK                         Yeah, I know.                                     DONKEY                         So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?   '                         '                                     SHREK                         Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small  and Annoying.   '                                    DONKEY '''                        Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny ''' one, right there. That one there?   '                                        Fiona puts the door back.                                     SHREK                         That's the moon.                                     DONKEY                         Oh, okay. DuLoc - Farquaad's Bedroom The camera pans over a lot of wedding stuff. Soft music plays in the background. Farquaad is in bed, watching as the Magic Mirror shows him Princess Fiona.   '                                    FARQUAAD '''                        Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, ''' show her to me. Show me the princess.   '                         '                                     MIRROR                         Hmph. The Mirror rewinds and begins to play again from the beginning.   '               '                                     FARQUAAD '''                        Ah. Perfect.''' Farquaad looks down at his bare chest and pulls the sheet up                to cover himself as though Fiona could see him as he gazes sheepishly at her image in the mirror.   '              MORNING Fiona walks out of the cave. She glances at Shrek and Donkey who are still sleeping. She wanders off into the woods and comes across a blue bird. She begins to sing. The bird sings along with her. She hits higher and higher notes and the bird struggles to keep up with her. Suddenly the pressure of the note is too big and the bird explodes. Fiona looks a little sheepish, but she eyes the eggs that the bird left behind. Time lapse, Fiona is now cooking the eggs for breakfast. Shrek and Donkey are still sleeping. Shrek wakes up and looks at Fiona. Donkey's talking in his sleep.   '                                    DONKEY                         (quietly) Mmm, yeah, you know I like  it like that. Come on, baby. I said I like it.   '                                    SHREK '''                        Donkey, wake up. (shakes him)'''                                     DONKEY '''                        Huh? What?'''                                     SHREK                         Wake up.                                     DONKEY '''                        What? (stretches and yawns)'''                                     FIONA '''                        Good morning. Hm, how do you like your ''' eggs?   '                                    DONKEY                         Oh, good morning, Princess! Fiona gets up and sets the eggs down in front of them.                                     SHREK                         What's all this about?                                     FIONA                         You know, we kind of got off to a bad  start yesterday. I wanted to make it                          up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.   '                                    SHREK                         Uh, thanks. Donkey sniffs the eggs and licks his lips.                                     FIONA '''                        Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead ''' of us. (walks off)   '              LATER They are once again on their way. They are walking through the forest. Shrek belches.   '                                    DONKEY                         Shrek!                                     SHREK '''                        What? It's a compliment. Better out ''' than in, I always say. (laughs)   '                                    DONKEY                         Well, it's no way to behave in front  of a princess.                 Fiona belches                                     FIONA                         Thanks.                                     DONKEY                         She's as nasty as you are.                                     SHREK                         (chuckles) You know, you're not exactly  what I expected.   '                                    FIONA                         Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people  before you get to know them.   '''              She smiles and then continues walking, singing softly. Suddenly ''' from out of nowhere, a man swings down and swoops Fiona up into a tree.   '                                    ROBIN HOOD '''                        La liberte! Hey!'''                                     SHREK                         Princess!                                     FIONA                         (to Robin Hood) What are you doing?   '                         '                                     ROBIN HOOD '''                        Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! '''                         And I am rescuing you from this green...(kisses                           up her arm while Fiona pulls back in                           disgust)...beast.   '                                    SHREK '''                        Hey! That's my princess! Go find you ''' own!   '                                    ROBIN HOOD '''                        Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a ''' little busy here?   '                                    FIONA                         (getting fed up) Look, pal, I don't  know who you think you are!   '                                    ROBIN HOOD '''                        Oh! Of course! Oh, how rude. Please ''' let me introduce myself. Oh, Merry Men. (laughs)                 Suddenly an accordion begins to play and the Merry men pop out  from the bushes. They begin to sing Robin's theme song.   '                                    MERRY MEN                         Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.                                     ROBIN HOOD                         I steal from the rich and give to the  needy.   '                                    MERRY MEN                         He takes a wee percentage,                                     ROBIN HOOD '''                        But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty ''' damsels, man, I'm good.   '                                    MERRY MEN                         What a guy, Monsieur Hood.                                     ROBIN HOOD '''                        Break it down. I like an honest fight ''' and a saucy little maid...   '                                    MERRY MEN                         What he's basically saying is he likes  to get...   '                                    ROBIN HOOD '''                        Paid. So...When an ogre in the bush ''' grabs a lady by the tush. That's bad.   '                         '                                     MERRY MEN                         That's bad.                                     ROBIN HOOD                         When a beauty's with a beast it makes  me awfully mad.   '                                    MERRY MEN                         He's mad, he's really, really mad.   '                         '                                     ROBIN HOOD                         I'll take my blade and ram it through  your heart, keep your eyes on me, boys 'cause I'm about to start...                 There is a grunt as Fiona swings down from the tree limb and  knocks Robin Hood unconscious.   '                                    FIONA                         Man, that was annoying! Shrek looks at her in admiration.                                     MERRY MAN                         Oh, you little- - (shoots an arrow at                           Fiona but she ducks out of the way)   '                                        The arrow flies toward Donkey who jumps into Shrek's arms to  get out of the way. The arrow proceeds to just bounce off a tree.   '                              Another fight sequence begins and Fiona gives a karate yell and  then proceeds to beat the crap out of the Merry Men. There is                a very interesting 'Matrix' moment here when Fiona pauses in                 mid-air to fix her hair. Finally all of the Merry Men are down, and Fiona begins walking away.   '                                    FIONA                         Uh, shall we?                                     SHREK '''                        Hold the phone. (drops Donkey and begins '''                         walking after Fiona) Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?   '                                    FIONA                         What?                                     SHREK '''                        That! Back there. That was amazing! '''                         Where did you learn that?   '                                    FIONA                         Well...(laughs) when one lives alone,  uh, one has to learn these things in                          case there's a...(gasps and points) there's an arrow in your butt!   '                                    SHREK '''                        What? (turns and looks) Oh, would you ''' look at that? (he goes to pull it out                          but flinches because it's tender)   '                         '                                     FIONA '''                        Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so ''' sorry.   '                                    DONKEY '''                        (walking up) Why? What's wrong?'''                                     FIONA                         Shrek's hurt.                                     DONKEY '''                        Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, ''' Shrek's gonna die.   '                                    SHREK                         Donkey, I'm okay.                                     DONKEY '''                        You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm ''' too young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich?   '                                    FIONA '''                        Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help ''' Shrek, run into the woods and find me                          a blue flower with red thorns.   '                                    DONKEY '''                        Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on ''' it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!   '                                    SHREK & FIONA                         Donkey!                                     DONKEY '''                        Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns. '''                         (runs off)   '                                    SHREK                         What are the flowers for?                                     FIONA                         (like it's obvious) For getting rid  of Donkey.   '                                    SHREK                         Ah.                                     FIONA                         Now you hold still, and I'll yank this  thing out. (gives the arrow a little                          pull)   '                                    SHREK '''                        (jumps away) Ow! Hey! Easy with the ''' yankin'.                 As they continue to talk Fiona keeps going after the arrow and  Shrek keeps dodging her hands.   '                                    FIONA                         I'm sorry, but it has to come out.   '                         '                                     SHREK                         No, it's tender.                                     FIONA                         Now, hold on.                                     SHREK                         What you're doing is the opposite of  help.   '                                    FIONA                         Don't move.                                     SHREK                         Look, time out.                                     FIONA                         Would you...(grunts as Shrek puts his                           hand over her face to stop her from                           getting at the arrow) Okay. What do                          you propose we do?   '              ELSEWHERE Donkey is still looking for the special flower.                                     DONKEY '''                        Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, ''' red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't                          color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns.   '                         '                                     SHREK                         (os) Ow!                                     DONKEY '''                        Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'! (rips a '''                         flower off a nearby bush that just happens                           to be a blue flower with red thorns)   '                         '               THE FOREST PATH                                     SHREK '''                        Ow! Not good.'''                                     FIONA '''                        Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head. '''                         (Shrek grunts as she pulls) It's just about...   '                                    SHREK '''                        Ow! Ohh! (he jerks and manages to fall '''                         over with Fiona on top of him)   '                                    DONKEY                         Ahem.                                     SHREK                         (throwing Fiona off of him) Nothing  happend. We were just, uh - -   '                                    DONKEY                         Look, if you wanted to be alone, all  you had to do was ask. Okay?   '                                    SHREK '''                        Oh, come on! That's the last thing on ''' my mind. The princess here was just- - (Fiona pulls the arrow out) Ugh! (he                          turns to look at Fiona who holds up                           the arrow with a smile) Ow!   '                                    DONKEY '''                        Hey, what's that? (nervous chuckle) ''' That's...is that blood?   '''              Donkey faints. Shrek walks over and picks him up as they continue ''' on their way.   '''              There is a montage of scenes as the group heads back to DuLoc. '''               Shrek crawling up to the top of a tree to make it fall over a                 small brook so that Fiona won't get wet. Shrek then gets up as                Donkey is just about to cross the tree and the tree swings back into it's upright position and Donkey flies off. Shrek swatting and a bunch of flies and mosquitoes. Fiona grabs a nearby spiderweb that's on a tree branch and runs through the field swinging it                around to catch the bugs. She then hands it to Shrek who begins eating like it's a treat. As he walks off she licks her fingers. Shrek catching a toad and blowing it up like a balloon and presenting it to Fiona. Fiona catching a snake, blowing it up, fashioning it into a balloon animal and presenting it to Shrek. The group arriving at a windmill that is near DuLoc.   '              WINDMILL                                     SHREK '''                        There it is, Princess. Your future awaits ''' you.   '                                    FIONA                         That's DuLoc?                                     DONKEY '''                        Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks ''' Lord Farquaad's compensating for something, which I think means he has a really...(Shrek                          steps on his hoof) Ow!   '                                    SHREK                         Um, I, uh- - I guess we better move  on.   '                                    FIONA '''                        Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried ''' about Donkey.   '                                    SHREK                         What?                                     FIONA '''                        I mean, look at him. He doesn't look ''' so good.   '                                    DONKEY '''                        What are you talking about? I'm fine.'''   '                         '                                     FIONA                         (kneels to look him in the eyes) That's  what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on your back. (pause) Dead.   '                                    SHREK '''                        You know, she's right. You look awful. '''                         Do you want to sit down?   '                                    FIONA                         Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.   '                         '                                     DONKEY                         I didn't want to say nothin', but I  got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look, (turns                          his neck in a very sharp way until his                           head is completely sideways) Ow! See?   '                         '                                     SHREK '''                        Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.'''   '                         '                                     FIONA                         I'll get the firewood.                                     DONKEY '''                        Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't ''' feel my toes! (looks down and yelps) I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug.   '              SUNSET Shrek has built a fire and is cooking the rest of dinner while Fiona eats.   '                                    FIONA '''                        Mmm. This is good. This is really good. '''                         What is this?   '                                    SHREK '''                        Uh, weed rat. Rotisserie style.'''                                     FIONA '''                        No kidding. Well, this is delicious.'''   '                         '                                     SHREK '''                        Well, they're also great in stews. Now, ''' I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weed rat stew. (chuckles)                 Fiona looks at DuLoc and sighs.                                     FIONA                         I guess I'll be dining a little differently  tomorrow night.   '                                    SHREK                         Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp  sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it.   '                                    FIONA                         (smiles) I'd like that. They smiles at each other.                                     SHREK                         Um, Princess?                                     FIONA                         Yes, Shrek?                                     SHREK                         I, um, I was wondering...are you...(sighs)  Are you gonna eat that?   '                                    DONKEY '''                        (chuckles) Man, isn't this romantic? '''                         Just look at that sunset.   '                                    FIONA '''                        (jumps up) Sunset? Oh, no! I mean, it's ''' late. I-It's very late.   '                                    SHREK                         What?                                     DONKEY '''                        Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on ''' here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't                          you?   '                                    FIONA '''                        Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. '''                         You know, I'd better go inside.   '                                    DONKEY '''                        Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to ''' be afraid of the dark, too, until - - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of                          the dark.                 Shrek sighs                                     FIONA                         Good night.                                     SHREK                         Good night. Fiona goes inside the windmill and closes the door. Donkey looks at Shrek with a new eye.   '                                    DONKEY '''                        Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on ''' here.   '                                    SHREK                         Oh, what are you talkin' about?                                     DONKEY '''                        I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm ''' an animal, and I got instincts. And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it.   '                                    SHREK '''                        You're crazy. I'm just bringing her ''' back to Farquaad.   '                                    DONKEY '''                        Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell ''' the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel.   '                                    SHREK '''                        I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, ''' even if I did tell her that, well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm                          - - '  '                                    DONKEY                         An ogre?                                     SHREK '''                        Yeah. An ogre.'''                                     DONKEY                         Hey, where you goin'?                                     SHREK '''                        To get... move firewood. (sighs)''' Donkey looks over at the large pile of firewood there already is.   '              TIME LAPSE Donkey opens the door to the Windmill and walks in. Fiona is                nowhere to be seen.   '                                    DONKEY '''                        Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, ''' where are you? Princess?                 Fiona looks at Donkey from the shadows, but we can't see her.   '               '                                     DONKEY '''                        It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing ''' no games.   '''              Suddenly Fiona falls from the railing. She gets up only she doesn't ''' look like herself. She looks like an ogre and Donkey starts freaking out.   '                                    DONKEY                         Aah!                                     FIONA                         Oh, no!                                     DONKEY                         No, help!                                     FIONA                         Shh!                                     DONKEY '''                        Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!'''                                     FIONA '''                        No, it's okay. It's okay.'''                                     DONKEY                         What did you do with the princess?   '                         '                                     FIONA                         Donkey, I'm the princess.                                     DONKEY                         Aah!                                     FIONA                         It's me, in this body.                                     DONKEY '''                        Oh, my God! You ate the princess. (to '''                         her stomach) Can you hear me?   '                                    FIONA                         Donkey!                                     DONKEY                         (still aimed at her stomach) Listen,  keep breathing! I'll get you out of                          there!   '                                    FIONA                         No!                                     DONKEY '''                        Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!'''                                     FIONA                         Shh.                                     DONKEY                         Shrek!                                     FIONA                         This is me. Donkey looks into her eyes as she pets his muzzle, and he quiets down.   '                                    DONKEY '''                        Princess? What happened to you? You're, ''' uh, uh, uh, different.   '                                    FIONA                         I'm ugly, okay?                                     DONKEY '''                        Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? '''                         'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a                           bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - -   '                                    FIONA                         No. I - - I've been this way as long  as I can remember.   '                                    DONKEY '''                        What do you mean? Look, I ain't never ''' seen you like this before.   '                                    FIONA '''                        It only happens when sun goes down. '''                         "By night one way, by day another. This                           shall be the norm... until you find                           true love's first kiss... and then take                           love's true form."   '                                    DONKEY '''                        Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know ''' you wrote poetry.   '                                    FIONA '''                        It's a spell. (sigh) When I was a little ''' girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this. (begins                          to cry)   '                                    DONKEY '''                        All right, all right. Calm down. Look, ''' it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.   '                                    FIONA                         But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this  is not how a princess is meant to look.   '                         '                                     DONKEY                         Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry  Farquaad?   '                                    FIONA '''                        I have to. Only my true love's kiss ''' can break the spell.   '                                    DONKEY                         But, you know, um, you're kind of an  orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a                          lot in common.   '                                    FIONA                         Shrek?               OUTSIDE Shrek is walking towards the windmill with a sunflower in his hand.   '                                    SHREK                         (to himself) Princess, I - - Uh, how's  it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh...(sighs) I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.                 He walks up to the door and pauses outside when he hears Donkey  and Fiona talking.   '                                    FIONA '''                        (os) I can't just marry whoever I want. '''                         Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so                          hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't                          stay here with Shrek.                 Shrek steps back in shock.                                     FIONA                         (os) My only chance to live happily  ever after is to marry my true love.   '                         '''               Shrek heaves a deep sigh. He throws the flower down and walks ''' away.   '              INSIDE                                     FIONA '''                        Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how ''' it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell.   '                                    DONKEY                         You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.   '                         '                                     FIONA '''                        No! You can't breathe a word. No one ''' must ever know.   '                                    DONKEY                         What's the point of being able to talk  if you gotta keep secrets?   '                                    FIONA '''                        Promise you won't tell. Promise!'''                                     DONKEY '''                        All right, all right. I won't tell him. '''                         But you should. (goes outside) I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy. Look at my eye twitchin'.   '''              Fiona comes out the door and watches him walk away. She looks ''' down and spots the sunflower. She picks it up before going back inside the windmill.   '              MORNING Donkey is asleep. Shrek is nowhere to be seen. Fiona is still awake. She is plucking petals from the sunflower.   '                                    FIONA '''                        I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, ''' I tell him not. I tell him. (she quickly                          runs to the door and goes outside) Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want...(she                          looks and sees the rising sun, and as                           the sun crests the sky she turns back                           into a human.)                 Just as she looks back at the sun she sees Shrek stomping towards  her.   '                                    FIONA '''                        Shrek. Are you all right?'''                                     SHREK '''                        Perfect! Never been better.'''                                     FIONA                         I - - I don't - - There's something  I have to tell you.   '                                    SHREK                         You don't have to tell me anything,  Princess. I heard enough last night.   '                         '                                     FIONA                         You heard what I said?                                     SHREK                         Every word.                                     FIONA                         I thought you'd understand.                                     SHREK '''                        Oh, I understand. Like you said, "Who '''                         could love a hideous, ugly beast?"   '                         '                                     FIONA                         But I thought that wouldn't matter to  you.   '                                    SHREK '''                        Yeah? Well, it does. (Fiona looks at '''                         him in shock. He looks past her and                           spots a group approaching.) Ah, right on time. Princess, I've brought you a little something.   '''              Farquaad has arrived with a group of his men. He looks very regal ''' sitting up on his horse. You would never guess that he's only like 3 feet tall. Donkey wakes up with a yawn as the soldiers march by.   '                                    DONKEY '''                        What'd I miss? What'd I miss? (spots '''                         the soldiers) (muffled) Who said that? Couldn't have been the donkey.   '                                    FARQUAAD                         Princess Fiona.                                     SHREK '''                        As promised. Now hand it over.'''                                     FARQUAAD '''                        Very well, ogre. (holds out a piece '''                         of paper) The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed. Take it and go before I change my mind. (Shrek takes the paper) Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad.   '                                    FIONA '''                        Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no. (Farquaad '''                         snaps his fingers) Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... (Watches                          as Farquaad is lifted off his horse                           and set down in front of her. He comes                           to her waist.) farewell.   '                                    FARQUAAD '''                        Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have ''' to waste good manners on the ogre. It's                          not like it has feelings.   '                                    FIONA '''                        No, you're right. It doesn't.''' Donkey watches this exchange with a curious look on his face.   '               '                                     FARQUAAD                         Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawless  Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage. Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?   '                                    FIONA '''                        Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would ''' make - -   '                                    FARQUAAD '''                        (interrupting) Excellent! I'll start ''' the plans, for tomorrow we wed!   '                                    FIONA '''                        No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get ''' married today before the sun sets.   '                         '                                     FARQUAAD '''                        Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. '''                         The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! There's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests! (a guard puts Fiona                          on the back of his horse)   '                                    FIONA                         Fare-thee-well, ogre. Farquaad's whole party begins to head back to DuLoc. Donkey watches them go.   '                                    DONKEY '''                        Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting ''' her get away.   '                                    SHREK '''                        Yeah? So what?'''                                     DONKEY                         Shrek, there's something about her you  don't know. Look, I talked to her last night, She's - -   '                                    SHREK '''                        I know you talked to her last night. '''                         You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if                          you two are such good friends, why don't                           you follow her home?   '                                    DONKEY                         Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.                                     SHREK                         I told you, didn't I? You're not coming  home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!   '                                    DONKEY                         But I thought - -                                     SHREK '''                        Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong! '''                         (stomps off)   '                                    DONKEY                         Shrek. Montage of different scenes. Shrek arriving back home. Fiona being fitted for the wedding dress. Donkey at a stream running into the dragon. Shrek cleaning up his house. Fiona eating dinner alone. Shrek eating dinner alone.   '              SHREK'S HOME Shrek is eating dinner when he hears a sound outside. He goes outside to investigate.   '                                    SHREK '''                        Donkey? (Donkey ignores him and continues '''                         with what he's doing.) What are you doing?   '                                    DONKEY                         I would think, of all people, you would  recognize a wall when you see one.   '                         '                                     SHREK '''                        Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed ''' to go around my swamp, not through it.   '                         '                                     DONKEY '''                        It is around your half. See that's your ''' half, and this is my half.   '                                    SHREK '''                        Oh! Your half. Hmm.'''                                     DONKEY '''                        Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. '''                         I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head.   '                         '                                     SHREK                         Back off!                                     DONKEY                         No, you back off.                                     SHREK                         This is my swamp!                                     DONKEY                         Our swamp.                                     SHREK                         (grabs the tree branch Donkey is working                           with) Let go, Donkey!   '                                    DONKEY                         You let go.                                     SHREK                         Stubborn jackass!                                     DONKEY                         Smelly ogre.                                     SHREK '''                        Fine! (drops the tree branch and walks '''                         away)   '                                    DONKEY '''                        Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through ''' with you yet.   '                                    SHREK                         Well, I'm through with you.                                     DONKEY '''                        Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, ''' "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me                          around or pushing me away.   '                                    SHREK '''                        Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so ''' bad, how come you came back?   '                                    DONKEY '''                        Because that's what friends do! They ''' forgive each other!   '                                    SHREK '''                        Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive ''' you... for stabbin' me in the back! (goes into the outhouse and slams the                          door)   '                                    DONKEY '''                        Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, ''' onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings.   '                                    SHREK                         (os) Go away!                                     DONKEY                         There you are, doing it again just  like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you.   '                         '                                     SHREK '''                        (os) Love me? She said I was ugly, a ''' hideous creature. I heard the two of                          you talking.   '                                    DONKEY '''                        She wasn't talkin' about you. She was ''' talkin' about, uh, somebody else.   '                         '                                     SHREK                         (opens the door and comes out) She wasn't  talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?   '                                    DONKEY '''                        Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. '''                         You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right?   '                                    SHREK                         Donkey!                                     DONKEY                         No!                                     SHREK '''                        Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right? (sigh) ''' I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly ogre. Can you forgive me?   '                         '                                     DONKEY                         Hey, that's what friends are for, right?   '                         '                                     SHREK '''                        Right. Friends?'''                                     DONKEY                         Friends.                                     SHREK                         So, um, what did Fiona say about me?   '                         '                                     DONKEY '''                        What are you asking me for? Why don't ''' you just go ask her?   '                                    SHREK '''                        The wedding! We'll never make it in ''' time.   '                                    DONKEY '''                        Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's ''' a will, there's a way and I have a way. (whistles)                 Suddenly the dragon arrives overhead and flies low enough so  they can climb on.   '                                    SHREK                         Donkey?                                     DONKEY                         I guess it's just my animal magnetism.   '                                        They both laugh.                                     SHREK '''                        Aw, come here, you. (gives Donkey a '''                         noogie)   '                                    DONKEY '''                        All right, all right. Don't get all ''' slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't                          had a chance to install the seat belts yet.                 They climb aboard the dragon and she takes off for DuLoc.               DULOC - CHURCH Fiona and Farquaad are getting married. The whole town is there. The prompter card guy holds up a card that says 'Revered Silence'.   '               '                                     PRIEST                         People of DuLoc, we gather here today  to bear witness to the union....   '                                    FIONA                         (eyeing the setting sun) Um-                                     PRIEST                         ...of our new king...                                     FIONA '''                        Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead ''' to the "I do's"?   '                                    FARQUAAD                         (chuckles and then motions to the priest                           to indulge Fiona) Go on.   '              COURTYARD Some guards are milling around. Suddenly the dragon lands with a boom. The guards all take off running.   '                                    DONKEY '''                        (to Dragon) Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. '''                         If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? (she nods and goes after the guards) Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you?   '                                    SHREK                         (at the Church door) What are you talking  about?   '                                    DONKEY '''                        There's a line you gotta wait for. The ''' preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or                          forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"   '                                    SHREK                         I don't have time for this!                                     DONKEY '''                        Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen ''' to me! Look, you love this woman, don't                          you?   '                                    SHREK                         Yes.                                     DONKEY                         You wanna hold her?                                     SHREK                         Yes.                                     DONKEY                         Please her?                                     SHREK                         Yes!                                     DONKEY                         (singing James Brown style) Then you  got to, got to try a little tenderness. (normal) The chicks love that romantic crap!   '                                    SHREK '''                        All right! Cut it out. When does this ''' guy say the line?   '                                    DONKEY                         We gotta check it out.               INSIDE CHURCH As the priest talks we see Donkey's shadow through one of the windows Shrek tosses him up so he can see.   '                                    PRIEST                         And so, by the power vested in me...   '                                        Outside                                     SHREK                         What do you see?                                     DONKEY                         The whole town's in there. Inside                                     PRIEST                         I now pronounce you husband and wife...   '                                        Outside                                     DONKEY                         They're at the altar. Inside                                     PRIEST                         ...king and queen. Outside                                     DONKEY '''                        Mother Fletcher! He already said it.'''   '                         '                                     SHREK                         Oh, for the love of Pete! He runs inside without catching Donkey, who hits the ground hard.   '               '               INSIDE CHURCH                                     SHREK                         (running toward the alter) I object!   '                         '                                     FIONA                         Shrek? The whole congregation gasps as they see Shrek.                                     FARQUAAD                         Oh, now what does he want?                                     SHREK                         (to congregation as he reaches the front                           of the Church) Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first of all. Very clean.   '                                    FIONA                         What are you doing here?                                     SHREK                         Really, it's rude enough being alive  when no one wants you, but showing up                          uninvited to a wedding...   '                                    SHREK '''                        Fiona! I need to talk to you.'''                                     FIONA '''                        Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little ''' late for that, so if you'll excuse me                          - - '  '                                    SHREK                         But you can't marry him.                                     FIONA                         And why not?                                     SHREK                         Because- - Because he's just marring  you so he can be king.   '                                    FARQUAAD '''                        Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.'''   '                         '                                     SHREK                         He's not your true love.                                     FIONA                         And what do you know about true love?   '                         '                                     SHREK                         Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - -                                     FARQUAAD '''                        Oh, this is precious. The ogee has fallen ''' in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord. (laughs)   '''              The prompter card guy holds up a card that says 'Laugh'. The ''' whole congregation laughs.   '                                    FARQUAAD                         An ogre and a princess!                                     FIONA                         Shrek, is this true?                                     FARQUAAD '''                        Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, ''' my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! (puckers his lips and leans toward her,                          but she pulls back.)   '                                    FIONA                         (looking at the setting sun) "By night                           one way, by day another." (to Shrek) I wanted to show you before.   '''              She backs up and as the sun sets she changes into her ogre self. '''               She gives Shrek a sheepish smile.   '                                    SHREK '''                        Well, uh, that explains a lot. (Fiona '''                         smiles)   '                                    FARQUAAD '''                        Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! '''                         I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both!   '''              The guards run in and separate Fiona and Shrek. Shrek fights ''' them.   '                                    SHREK                         No, no!                                     FIONA                         Shrek!                                     FARQUAAD '''                        This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This ''' marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See?   '                                    FIONA '''                        No, let go of me! Shrek!'''                                     SHREK                         No!                                     FARQUAAD                         Don't just stand there, you morons.   '                         '                                     SHREK '''                        Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh!'''                                     FARQUAAD '''                        I'll make you regret the day we met. '''                         I'll see you drawn and quartered! You'll                          beg for death to save you!   '                                    FIONA                         No, Shrek!                                     FARQUAAD                         (hold a dagger to Fiona's throat) And  as for you, my wife...   '                                    SHREK                         Fiona!                                     FARQUAAD                         I'll have you locked back in that tower  for the rest of your days! I'm king!   '                                        Shrek manages to get a hand free and he whistles.                                     FARQUAAD '''                        I will have order! I will have perfection! '''                         I will have - - (Donkey and the dragon                           show up and the dragon leans down and                           eats Farquaad) Aaaah! Aah!   '                                    DONKEY '''                        All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon ''' here, and I'm not afraid to use it. (The dragon roars.) I'm a donkey on                          the edge!                 The dragon belches and Farquaad's crown flies out of her mouth  and falls to the ground.   '                                    DONKEY '''                        Celebrity marriages. They never last, ''' do they?                 The congregation cheers.                                     DONKEY                         Go ahead, Shrek.                                     SHREK                         Uh, Fiona?                                     FIONA                         Yes, Shrek?                                     SHREK                         I - - I love you.                                     FIONA                         Really?                                     SHREK                         Really, really.                                     FIONA                         (smiles) I love you too. Shrek and Fiona kiss. Thelonius takes one of the cards and writes 'Awwww' on the back and then shows it to the congregation.   '               '                                     CONGREGATION                         Aawww! Suddenly the magic of the spell pulls Fiona away. She's lifted up into the air and she hovers there while the magic works around her.   '                                    WHISPERS                         "Until you find true love's first kiss                           and then take love's true form. Take                           love's true form. Take love's true form."   '                         '''               Suddenly Fiona's eyes open wide. She's consumed by the spell ''' and then is slowly lowered to the ground.   '                                    SHREK '''                        (going over to her) Fiona? Fiona. Are ''' you all right?   '                                    FIONA                         (standing up, she's still an ogre) Well,  yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.   '                                    SHREK                         But you ARE beautiful. They smile at each other.                                     DONKEY                         (chuckles) I was hoping this would be  a happy ending.                 Shrek and Fiona kiss...and the kiss fades into...               THE SWAMP ...their wedding kiss. Shrek and Fiona are now married. 'I'm                a Believer' by Smashmouth is played in the background. Shrek and Fiona break apart and run through the crowd to their awaiting carriage. Which is made of a giant onion. Fiona tosses her bouquet which both Cinderella and Snow White try to catch. But they end up getting into a cat fight and so the dragon catches the bouquet instead. The Gingerbread man has been mended somewhat and now has one leg and walks with a candy cane cane. Shrek and Fiona walk off as the rest of the guests party and Donkey takes over singing the song.   '                                    GINGERBREAD MAN                         God bless us, every one.                                     DONKEY                         (as he's done singing and we fade to                           black) Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh. I can't                          breathe. I can't breathe.  

